Christian Love

i think i may have found love? or Love? ive never felt this i dont believe ...perhaps i feel weakened at the thought that i have been profoundly affected, changed....by him. who also has the power to destroy...me...and this i fear...even dread....knowing that someday...he too may take what i have to give and not even thank me before he leaves. history history history....its not about dan (the cheating ex)....or all the dans out there....its about history. from the young age. goodbyes are what i am good at. i know how to put something down...aside...even away....forever if it should need that...to keep me safe. i am acting out of instinct...not mistrust of something he has done. he has been so good to me ..to the point of confusing me...i dont understand what he sees...that others haven't . am i different? is he different? is the course of my life shifting? am i about to drive toward something that will dissolve like the rest? where is my faith this morning? where is my love this morning? do i need to test it for certainty? will i encounter the disappointment of one trip to amsterdam...just to not find him in sunny california?

Amsterdam connections never made. disappointment turned mystery walk into unknowns- searching for unknowns. could i be anywhere else? probably not. He's on flight home already..stomach sinking knot makingmesick....cybercafe brings news that exposed vulnerabilities have been rejected...address unknown...sender unknown...are returned
like never sent
forgotten
unrecallable
mine again.

i died that day...at a thought that he had slipped by so close to me...and i didn't sense him. i began to doubt my psychic abilities...grin...

i began to reread what i had written at a parting on a street corner in Munich....

Drunk in Munich
confused in the traffic
of trains coming
trains leaving
i begin to like the mystery of not knowing
in what direction it is pronounced
i am heading
i study the faces
staring at their own feet

perhaps wondering either way it could be sad or beautiful

realizing always the choice that happiness is becoming"

it would appear that i had more confidence even then ....than i do today....more investment....less fantasy....the burdens of reality....the will of steerage and the strength to power it.

alway answers waiting in the darkest corners to visit with your curiousity..for moments...pending change of heart...furious writing....belief, faith my dear is your only true salvation..in whatever, you wanna love, go ahead.

was i talking to myself?

Follow your heart
and if it's artificial
take a prong to your chest
and connect.

haven't i now?